Improving myself..

         Some thing that I have been really focusing on the past month is trying to become a better mom. I have been taking a class on Positive Parenting and I can tell how much a influence it has had on me. I never wanted to be that " Yelling mom" and yet that is what I was becoming. I am the mom to four very small children. ( All within 4 years ) and I was becoming overwhelmed with the things I had to do every day to maintain my house hold, take care of them, try to take care of myself, my husband, my church, my friends, my extended family. I was overcome with anxiety that I thought I was literally going crazy. I finally broke down and excepted the fact that I was a "failure." Or isnt that what we in society are told if we cant manage on our own and need outside help?

       I went to the doctor and told her what I was going through and feeling. We both agreed that I need to go on some low does anxiety meds to help me get through what I was feeling and be able to sleep. Oh sleep... What is that? My mind raced until 3am every morning until I was completely exhausted I just couldn't keep my eyes open another minute. I went from nyquil to help me sleep, to Benadryl, to melatonin. The sleep I was getting was so broken with the constant tossing and turning at night. Waking up in the middle of dreams. Waking up suddenly worried that I left the stove on, or forgot to lock the door. Waking up to check on the kids to make sure they were still breathing, or that they weren't too cold, or hot.

       Between the kids waking up still at night and having to tend to them and my brain not turning off I was running on very limited sleep. Which made me so grouchy and once again fall back on that yelling instinct. It got to the point where my oldest daughter  Emma-Leah would tell me that it made her sad when I yelled. I saw hurt and worry in her eyes. The glimmer of happiness and calm where gone when she looked at me. It broke my heart.. I needed to change.

        I am not one to really put myself out there and seek outside help or direction but when I found an opening for this positive parenting class a sense of peace and calm came over me and I signed up. I am so glad I did. I have learned to connect with my children in a way that they need individually. And in return they feel secure and loved and are so much more willing to cooperate. I am no longer that "yelling mom" and have learned to speak with direction and authority but love and compassion.

      I am trying my hardest to be a good example to them and to teach them to be the best person they can be. To be forgiving, loving, serving, and to look for the good in people. I feel like I am finally on the path that I have always striving to be as a parent. I am not a perfect parent but I am learning to be a positive parent and a loving, guiding parent.  I am grateful for a network of parents who are also willing to put the work in to make the world a better place for the future of our children.  It makes me excited for my children's future.